heartbroken

   How do I completely start over. From scratch. And forget how I lived before?

I have no clue.

   On weekends I would hang out with my best friends and go exploring.

Now I’m scared to go explore the jungle. Cause #1 I would be by myself. And #2 I don’t know who to borrow a machete from. And #3 if I get bit by a snake and can’t walk, then I die in the jungle.

   I use to spend my free time on social media or texting friends, when I wasn’t already with them.

Well lately, either the power has been out, or the internet doesn’t work. So I’m stuck with reading the Bible (I think I read through half of it in the past three days), or books so deep I can’t handle reading more than a couple pages at a time.

   My house was never quiet and I would always goof off with my sister if all else failed.

Here there are two or three college-aged kids at the max. They all speak English, but normally, other than Leah, they are talking all in Spanish.

   When I got frustrated or even bored, I went running, or hit the volleyball against the side of the house.

I don’t get frustrated, just bored. And I can’t go running cause no one else wants to run up a mountain with me. Lame.

   How do I forget the friendships and relationships that I was in contact with everyday, and was so close to? And now I feel like I dropped off the face of the earth because I can’t talk to any of them some days.

Because I can’t forget.

I can’t forget the memories.

The laughter.

The adventures.

The bonding moments.

And the heart to hearts.

   There’s nothing I can do about it.

AND IT SUCKS.

   I have to go on living some days like they don’t exist cause there is no way to contact them.

   I have to live in the present to survive. But some days, I don’t know how.

   Yeah I have new friends and I’m STILL meeting new people. Which is good. But its not the same.

I long for the known. The familiar.

   But it’s not coming. And my heart can’t rest because that’s all I crave.

Ok, that’s all. Sorry that it was so depressing. Hopefully I’ll have something interesting to blog about soon.

growing up

   Today I became a teacher.

   And coach.

   And it was weird.

   In the past year when I was thinking about what I would be doing, neither of those ever occurred to me.

   My first day here, they told me I would be helping a volunteer (Monica), who is fluent, to teach her English class at the school. When I heard that, I was like oh great, this is gonna turn out awesome. The first couple days I just sat to the side and watched the kids do their work, and answer the questions that Monica asked them.

   Today was different.

  Mondays are math days. Which means that the older ones do math problems, but they are written out in English, and they have to give the answer in English. It’s a way to teach them what they need, and aren’t getting very much of the rest of the time.

   So I wrote some problems on the board. No big deal. Right?

   NOPEEE.

   Monica was grading things and checking their notebooks, so she sent all of the kids with questions to me. Good thing I know how to say 353 in Spanish. Cause the majority of them had no clue what they were doing, or they just wrote down some other numbers and pretended that that was the right problem, because they didn’t understand what I wrote on the board. Oh my….

The other issue was that the types of problems they were doing, were long division and multiplication. Like I remember that. AND I had to check EVERY problem on EVERYONE’S work.

   Lets just say that it took awhile, but I can now say that I am smarter than the average Honduran fifth grader, at least in the math category.

   So then there’s the whole coaching thing.

   One of the volunteers wanted to have a soccer practice two days a week after another program.

   All of the volunteers know that I played soccer and that my dad coaches soccer.

   So today, two hours before the practice was suppose to start, he asked me if I wanted to help, and if I had any ideas.

   There was only one problem.

I grew up where there was grass.

And an innumerable amount of balls.

And everyone spoke the same language.

   Yeah…. not here. It was interesting to work with 30ish kids, of all ages, on concrete with four balls.

   They don’t know how to pass or trap. They just kick it with whatever part of their foot they feel like. And trying to make them do drills was interesting, cause they only wanted to play.

   Even though it was interesting, it was a fun thing to be apart of, and I can’t wait to see how this new thing will turn out.

el dia de amistad

    Today was a day of friendships.

    Let me give you some history.

    When I visited last December, I stayed in the girls room in the volunteer house which consisted of me, and some Honduran college girls that work here when they aren’t taking classes. Ever since I decided to come, I dreaded the idea of being the only American girl, because I didn’t really bond with the two girls.

    Fast forward to a couple months ago. I found out that another American girl was going to be here when I was here. It was an answered prayer.

    Leah is out of college and of course a mature adult, so we didn’t hit it off, we just kinda met. But over the past couple of days we have been able to talk a lot and have some good conversations cause we don’t really have anyone else to talk to.

    Or so we thought.

    There are currently four other Honduran college girls that work here, and are pretty good friends.

    Until the new house is built, I share a room with Leah and two of the other girls. We talk, in English, cause I’m scared to use my Spanish, except every once in a while when we have a much needed question.

    But today was different.

    Doris (a current roommate and Honduran) was starting dinner and needed some bananas and asked if Leah and I wanted to help her carry some back.

    

    While making dinner and a fruit salad, Doris and I were trying to teach Leah just two words in Spanish. I don’t think either one of them stuck. We helped Doris understand the difference of similar words, while she thought it was a good idea to ask me difficult questions in Spanish. It was a time full of many giggles and trying to not down all the food before we finished cooking it all. Yes, I used the big knife, and no, I didn't cut a finger off. But even if I did my mom gave me medicine, for pain, just in case I do cut a finger off sometime.

    

    It all ended with the lovely surprise of finding out that part of our shower was COMPLETELY INFESTSED with ants. Like you couldn’t see the concrete (which makes up walls, floors, counters, and any other surface that you might think is made of a different substance). So we searched out the house for ant spray, and enjoyed killing every little one.

    God is awesome and He provides.

    OK! That’s all.

new beginnings

its a weird feeling.

leaving everything I've ever known.

leaving my best friends and family and knowing that i wont see them until at least christmas.

i didnt think it would be this hard to leave loved ones.

what scares me the most is the unknown. i dont know what life is going to be like without them.

i have a problem with time.

i cant comprehend it.

part of me feels like this really isnt happening, that tomorrow i will wake up in my old bed again, and later in the afternoon i will get to hangout with my best friends after eating a 6:30 breakfast with my family.

but thats not what will happen.

and it doesnt make sense.

everytime I try to understand the concept of time…

i cant.

its like everytime i try to understand the fact that one day i will get to live FOREVER with my creator. i get confused and my brain just starts to hurt and i just give up. so i dont think about my time here. im trying to focus on each moment, and living fully in it.

a lot can happen in a year.

this past year i have changed in many ways and many of things have happened.

i decided to not go to college, deepened many relationships, tore my ACL, learned to trust God in many ways, and had to say goodbye to everyone i love.

i am on my second day of 365. i cant wait to see whats going to happen in this next year, and what God has for me.

hopefully i dont die of emotional unstablement before this year is up.