I know I haven’t posted in a while. Not a ton has happened
other than I was able to go to the states over Christmas for almost two weeks,
I’m now back in Honduras, and I’m still not sure where I’m going to be at the
end of the summer. Here are some thoughts from the past couple weeks.
Pictures are from Christmas in the States and our New Years
Party in Honduras.
Some thoughts from when I was in the states:
I think it really started right before I landed. When I was
flying over Atlanta and I saw all the lights. All the people. All the riqueza
(richness). I don’t cope well when I don’t agree with a certain lifestyle or
culture. So of course I thought right then, why the heck did I come back to the
states.
I don’t belong here. This is no longer home to me. Yeah,
everything is familiar. But I don’t want to be here. It’s weird. I feel
trapped.
Ever since I got to Honduras I couldn’t wait for the day to
come “home”.
That feeling slowly went away as I made friends and became
apart of that family. It slowly turned
into a trip to the land of electricity that never goes out, hot water and Target,
that I was excited about, especially to see my family. But now it wasn’t a
necessity. I was excited. But at the same time dreaded leaving my new family.
Especially the new sisters I made in Honduras because our travel time away from
the children’s home overlapped in such a way that I wouldn’t see them for a
month. And for girls that I hang out with almost every waking moment, pouring
into their lives, it’s hard. I haven’t seen them in two days and I'm already
missing them and all the goofy kids I play with. All I have to do is walk on a
path, through the jungle, across the property to hangout. But some days I never
leave them. I sleep with my favorite four year old and eat every meal with
them, and they teach me how to cook. We share our lives night and day. How can
I not crave to living in the jungle. Free. Truly living. I feel alive for the
first time, living in nature and with my Creator.
My house in the states is sound proof and I feel like the
ceiling is crashing in on me. How am I suppose to deal with this for two weeks
when I'm use to falling asleep to every kind of insect and dog, and waking up
to every kind of bird and cow. How can I be free indoors when I can’t hear the
sound of anything that God created for us to enjoy. The high tin roof with the
sound of rain is what I crave.
I was excited to listen to English music, cause all I heard
was Spanish. But now, surrounded by English speakers, all I crave is to hear
some Spanish, and the logical solution is Spanish music. I don’t even care if
it’s the same prince Royce song over and over again. So of course I turn on the
Spanish radio station and listen. Even though I don’t know the songs, or care
about the talk show topic.
Maybe I’ll forget it. Or maybe I’ve finally learned to be
present where I am. But how can I forget the place where I feel the most alive in
him. But maybe I’ll forget. Like I did in Honduras when I was finally apart of
that family, and didn’t crave the states so much.
But that is how God created us to live. In community, in His
creation, pouring into each others lives.
This is not my home.
And I have a feeling the states will never be home for long, if I have a say. But
that’s why I'm thankful. That this feeling won’t last forever. The feeling of
confusion and not belonging.
One day I will belong. One day I will have a home. And I'm
grateful that Jesus made a way, through His suffering, so that this “suffering”
of mine and confusion of where I belong, and where my home is, won’t last
forever for me. And because of the transitions that I’ve been through recently,
I long so much more for my heavenly home more than I ever have.
I day before I left the states:
I understand what Jesus meant when he said hate your family.
That was one of the verses that had never come alive to me.
Yeah it’s one that I have always heard, but you can have
head knowledge and not heart knowledge. And I'm so thankful that God is slowly
revealing his word in my life and that those verses have come real for me.
Of course I hate leaving family and friends behind. But as I
have been learning what it means to be a follower of Christ, one of the things
He calls us to do, is to leave EVERYTHING
behind to seek and follow him. And in my life right now, that means leaving
family. Thankfully I have a Honduran family now, but to some people back in the
states, they might think I'm crazy for leaving those I love “alone” or “to
suffer”. I don’t know. And if they may even consider my love for them as
uncaring or “hate”. Now I know what Jesus meant when he said, "“Whoever comes to me and doesn’t hate father and mother, and brothers and sisters—yes, even one’s own life—cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26). Our love for our family and self is suppose to look like hate, compared to how we love Jesus, and how we lay our lives down to follow Him.
A day or two after I got back to Honduras:
Psalm 83:9
All my longings lie
open before you, O Lord.
He knows what I want, sometimes when I don’t. I have been
struggling with my future and what to do. Some may think I have it figured out
just because I'm in another county “being Jesus”. But you can “be Jesus” anywhere. Even in the states. Even in college.
Just because I'm loving what I'm doing, and living in gods will for me right
now, doesn’t mean I know the next step. Cause I don’t. Only he does. I don’t
even know what country I will be living in, in six months. And that’s kinda
scary. It’s definitely a trust issue. And He’s still trying to get my full
trust. Like always. I'm scared that I will chose the choice that isn’t Gods
will for me. I don’t know. God’s in control and everything’s awesome.
